Final Fantasy Ichi Ni San Shi
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Ichi…Ni…San…Shi…One…Two…Three…Four. Join us as we explore four humorous tales revolving around the world of FFVII. Rated T for language and violence. Please R&R!
1. Introduction

**Story**: Final Fantasy Ichi Ni San Shi  
**Authors**: Flarezero & Guest Authors  
**Written**: March 2009  
**Genre**: General  
**Rating**: T  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Square-Enix or its array of characters.

* * *

**Introduction**

The morning sun rose over the world of Gaia. A new day was about to begin over the seemingly peaceful planet.

"…**LOOK OUT!!!"**

That silence ended abruptly as Cid's airship: the Highwind, roars uncontrollably across the sky, zigzagging left and right, up and down as if someone drunk was piloting the massive aircraft.

In fact…someone was.

Cait Sith was at the wheel of the ship, the drunken cat clutching it tightly as it span around in multiple directions. Cid stood in front of the wheel, trying to catch the mischievous cat and yank him away from it before they crashed into something.

"**Godammit!!! Who let this damn cat get a hold of my beer?! And how the hell can this thing get intoxicated anyways?!?!" **Cid yells to Cloud, Barret, and Yuffie behind him who stood there and watched in amusement.

The Highwind continued its zany trek across the airspace all throughout the morning…

…But that wasn't all that was happening within this Final Fantasy world. We'll catch up with them later and see what eventually becomes of them. Until then...

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**Next Chapter**: Ichi

**Please review and stick around for the next chap!**


	2. Ichi

**~~Ichi~~**

**Written by Guest Author**: Zozzilla

* * *

The silence was broken over the city of Midgar as a loud whirring; spluttering, creaking noise filled the air. A growing shadow on the ground pre-empted the black Shinra chopper hitting the ground, sending up a cloud of dust and dirt.

The propellers ground to a halt, choking out a thick black smoke as they cease to rotate. Slowly, the door creaked open and fell off its hinges, closely followed by two figures sliding out of the cockpit to the floor.

**"WHAT?! Oh man, this is a nightmare!"** Reno cried out, slumping to his knees and raising his hands to tug at his red hair. **"Rufus is gonna kill us!"**

Rude brushed the dust from his suit and glanced down at Reno over the top of his shades, which had slid down his nose. **"No...he's going to kill YOU."** He shook his head and reached down, dragging Reno to his feet. **"Come on. Let's get back."**

**"Okay, okay..."** Reno mumbled, sighing heavily. He gave one last glance at the mangled helicopter and set off along the dusty trail back to headquarters.

* * *

**"You did WHAT to our only mode of transport?!"**

The sound of something hard and heavy hit the door, proving that Rufus was indeed as angry as Reno had feared. Inside, he was standing glaring at the two Turks while they looked nervously down at the floor.

Reno swallowed hard and opened his mouth, pausing slightly before starting speaking. **"I...didn't know it was out of fuel...it just sorta happened..."**

The look on Rufus's face could have curdled milk. **"You absolute IDIOT! That's it, I can't take it any more...what do I even pay you for?"**

**"You...uh...don't, Sir,"** Rude said with a slight cough, then instantly regretted it.

Rufus clenched his fists. **"YOU'RE BOTH FIRED! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"** he yelled, picking up a chair and flinging it at the two. With a yelp they dived for the door, yanked it open and ran off down the steps, only stopping when they were far enough away from any other pieces of office furniture turned projectile.

**"Sheesh...that wasn't good,"** Reno sighed, rubbing his arm. **"Now we're on our own out here."**

Rude was holding his shades in his hand, a tear in the corner of his eye as he looked at the large crack down the left lens. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he pulled out another identical pair of shades and put them on. **"We could always go freelance,"** he suggested, throwing the broken shades into a nearby bush.

Reno frowned slightly, then a grin appeared on his face. **"That's a great idea, big guy! But...just the two of us? Nah...we need someone else. Someone who knows the ropes. Someone who's been in this line of work before." **He stood there stroking his chin for a few minutes until an idea popped into his head. **"I know! That Vincent guy...he was in the Turks, right? He can join us!"**

**"Doesn't he work for Cloud?"** Rude replied, scratching his head.

**"Oh yeah...then we'll just have to steal him from Cloud! C'mon!"** Reno said happily before jogging off towards where Vincent was bound to be at this time - Tifa's bar, Seventh Heaven.

* * *

Vincent stepped out into the sunlight, raising his hand to shield his eyes from the brightness. Across the street, two faces peeked out from behind a parked car.

**"Look! There he is!"** Reno whispered to Rude excitedly. The pair had been waiting there for around twenty minutes already, and were attracting strange looks from passers-by.

He was about to step forward when a shadow fell over the pair, and a woman's voice said **"Hey, you! What are you doing near my car?"**

Looking round, Reno and Rude were faced with an angry-looking woman carrying  
a heavy bag of shopping. **"Your car?"** Rude said, glancing at Reno.

**"Oh! We were, uh...we were going to..."** Reno continued, trying to think of what to say.

The woman scowled. **"I know just what you were going to do, you thieves! You were planning on stealing it!"**

**"What? No we weren't, we were - OW!"** Reno's confession was stopped short as the woman swung the shopping bag she was carrying and hit him round the head with it. **"GEEZ LADY! We're not th~AAAAARGH!"**

The constant barrage of blows from the bag forced Reno to get up and run as fast as he could, Rude having no choice but to follow him as the woman ran after them, shouting expletives. Vincent heard the noise and turned to watch the two legging it down the street, shaking his head as they disappeared. **"What are those two up to..."** he muttered to himself before setting off down the street toward the market.

* * *

The pair had taken refuge in the sewers to escape the might of the angry woman, and couldn't believe their luck when upon looking out from under the manhole cover they spotted Vincent across the street from them, looking in the window of the Materia shop.

**"Now's our chance!"** Reno said, not noticing that Rude had focused his attention on the small lizard-like creature that was shuffling up behind them holding a lamp and knife.

**"Uh...I think we have a problem,"** he said, tugging on Reno's sleeve to make him look round.

Reno stared down at the lizard and laughed. **"What, from that little thing? Don't be stupid, it's so adorable! C'mere little guy..."** he said, climbing down the ladder to get closer to the creature.

As the creature waddled closer, it held up the knife and...

_**DOINK!**_

There was a bright flash and the manhole cover flew off of the sewer entrance, causing everybody in the street to freeze instantly. Vincent turned round as the cover descended from the sky and landed on the hood of a car, completely crushing it. He took a deep breath and walked over to the entrance, knelt down and peered inside.

Rude and Reno lay there completely unconscious as the Tonberry waddled off in the direction it came from. **"Huh...these two again,"** Vincent sighed. **"Why do they keep following me?"** He stood up and headed back towards Seventh Heaven.

* * *

**"Okay - here's the deal,"** Reno said, rubbing his stomach as Rude frantically searched his pockets for an unbroken pair of shades. **"We're just gonna run up there, grab him, and go. What can go wrong with that?"**

**"Probably something,"** Rude muttered aggregately, giving up on the search for new shades.

**"Right. After three,"** Reno said. **"One...two...three...GO!!"**

The pair ran across the street, and unfortunately, right into the path of an oncoming motorbike. Despite the riders' best efforts to brake as hard as he could, the bike crashed into the pair sending them sprawling to the floor.

The door of Seventh Heaven opened, and Vincent, Tifa and Cloud walked out. Vincent raised his eyebrow at Tifa and Cloud, after having told them what had been going on all day. He wandered over to the two who were now coughing and spluttering, and knelt down.

**"Say...you two have been following me literally all day. What exactly is it that you wanted me for?"**

**"F..."** Started Reno, sitting up slowly and wincing.

**"F...**

**...FORGET IT!!"**

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**Next Chapter**: Ni

**Please review!**


	3. Ni

**~~~Ni~~~**

**Written by:** Master Jin Sonata

* * *

The Highwind had collided into the side of Cosmo Canyon due to Cait Sith's drunken antics while flying the ship earlier. Cloud, Barret, Yuffie, and Cid all stare at the smoldering wreckage that was once Cid's most treasured possession.

"**Um..heheheh…sorry?"** Cait Sith says to Cid with a cheesy smile.

Cid's friends had to immediately stop him from strangling Cait Sith after that remark.

"**Now what the %&#$ do we do?!?! My beautiful airship is beyond repair!!!"** Cid says in frustration, on the verge of tears.

"**We could always ask around the people of Cosmo Canyon, maybe they have a method of transportation we could use to get back home,"** Yuffie suggests.

"**Goddamn, hate to say it but she's right, I ain't stayin' out here in the middle of nowhere,"** Barret responds. **"What say you, Cloud?"**

Cloud merely shrugs his shoulders as if to agree with him.

"**It's settled, let's go,"** Cid says, hesitantly turning to leave his wrecked airship behind.

…But yet that still wasn't all that was happening within the Final Fantasy VII universe.

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**Next Chapter**: San

**Please review!**


	4. San

****

~~San~~

**Written by:** Master Jin Sonata

**Author's note**: This is a remake of my classic fic starring Palmer, Shinra's top moron.

* * *

It was a typical day at Shinra Headquarters.

Palmer walks into the Break-Room and pours himself a hot cup of coffee.

"**Now to add lotsa lard,"** he said, grabbing a huge can of large and dumping five pounds of it in his hot drink. **"And then some sugar!"** he continued, turning around to grab said object. When he faced back to where his coffee was supposed to be, it was gone.

"**No…my coffee…need…coffee…"** Palmer sputtered, eyes twitching, and he stiffly strode out to interrogate everyone who might have stolen his coffee.

**Scarlet's Office**

Palmer slams open the door to Scarlet's office and stomps inside. Scarlet was busy working away on the computer when she looked up and saw his frustrated expression

"**What do you want, fatass?"** Scarlet asks him.

"**Where's my coffee, bitch?"** Palmer asks her angrily, fuming like a teakettle.

"**I don't know! I didn't think you drank anything else but Tea with lard. What's the matter, your dimply-ass can't take any more herbal—"**

Before Scarlet could finish that sentence, Palmer bitch-slaps her, sending her crashing into her computer monitor, whichthen caught on fire. Palmer then leaves for the next area without looking back.

**Heidegger's Office**

Palmer barges into Heidegger's office and stops at his desk, where a woozy-looking Heidegger was busy drinking Vodka. He turns and looks at Palmer and starts talking in Russian slurs as he tries to tell him to get out.

Quickly realizing that it would be a waste of time trying to talk to him, Palmer leaves the officer after he had shoved Heidegger's fat hairy face into his narrow bottle of Vodka.

**The Hallway**

Down in the hallway, all of the Turks were gathered for a brief meeting. Palmer strode toward them, red as a beet and stopped amidst of their conversation.

"**Um…yes?"** Tseng questioned as the fat executive interrupted their meeting.

"**Where's my coffee, Jerks?"** Palmer questioned as he pulled everyone by his or her neckties toward him simultaneously.

"**What are you talking about? None of us drinks any coffee you incompetent loser!"** Reno protested.

"**Yeah! How dare you accuse us of stealing your stupid drink!"** Elena added.

Rude just gave Palmer an intimidating glare through his sunglasses.

Moments later, Palmer left the area after again gaining no new information on the whereabouts of his cup of coffee. Tseng was left stuck upside down inside a potted plant, while Elena's head was slammed into a nearby copy-machine. Reno had his electric rod shoved down his throat, while rude shoved headfirst into a file-cabinet, his legs flailing at the ends.

**Rufus's Office**

Palmer made one last stop: his boss's office. He kicks down the door and approaches Rufus, who was ready for Palmer, as he already had his shotgun out and pointed at the overweight executive.

"**Before you even say a single word, I do not have your damn coffee, so go away before I have to deflate your sorry excuse of a body with my bullets!"** Rufus warned Palmer, but Palmer didn't listen.

Palmer left the office after he had taken Rufus's shotgun and wrapped it around his neck like a noose.

**The Break Room**

Palmer, on the verge of going postal on the rest of the corporation, heads back to the break room. Once there, he stopped and glared at man who was holding his cup of coffee he had poured earlier.

It was Reeve.

"**Ah! Delicious caffeine refreshment! I wonder who left it here behind the napkin dispenser? Oh well, mine now,"** Reeve said, about to take a sip of his coffee.

Reeve was completely oblivious of Palmer's presence, as he was immediately jumped and got the crap beaten out of him. Afterwards, Palmer takes his coffee and drinks it to his satisfaction.

"**Ah! Now that's good stuff, and with sugar even! Oh well, guess I can do without the lard anyway, gotta keep up my perfect physique! Time to get to work! Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la,"** Palmer sang as he skipped merrily out of the room.

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**Next Chapter**: Shi

**Please review and stick around for the next chap!**


	5. Shi

**~~~Shi~~~**

**Written by: **Master Jin Sonata

* * *

Inside Cosmo Canyon, Cid and his party were meeting with a vehicle rental agency. At the front counter, Cid waits around until a representative finally sees them.

"**How can I help you sir?"** the man says to Cid.

"**I need to rent a van for me and my gang over here,"** Cid says to the man, puffing on a cigarette as he spoke.

"**Uh, sir…first off all, no smoking in my office…"** the rep said, taking Cid's cigarette and plucking it out the window behind him.

"**WHY THE $%# DID YOU DO THAT?!?!"** Cid yells angrily at him.

"**Company policy sir. Second, our vehicles will cost you around 80,000 gil a day,"** the rep continues.

"**HOLY MOTHER-$#^%!!! WHY THE HELL SO EXPENSIVE??!?!?" **Cid shouts in disbelief.

"**Well, nobody drives anymore these days. Airships are the hottest thing. What, you don't have one?"** the rep asks Cid smugly.

Cid was turning beet red ready to punch out the man out of anger, but his party members jumped into restrain him.

"**Um…you must excuse our friend here…he's got…anger issues…"** Cait Sith says, hopping up onto the counter. **"We'll uh…take whatever you got!"**

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**Complete! Please review, and thanks for reading!**


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